Friday, January 20, 2012


At 11:11pm every night I seem to see the clock. I wish during this bewitching hour that same wish. That Grace will grow to be a healthy, happy old lady. Occasionally being militantly optimistic is exhausting. It works though. It keeps me healthier. A healthier parent for Grace.

I have worked out and eaten better this week. I've socialized more, balanced my time, and done crafty projects. These all help with the "healthy parent" attitude I need. Kris makes it all possible. Don't know what I'd do without him. I take care of her and he takes care of both of us. A real man, the man I knew he'd be and he does it with pleasure.

I have a cancer of my own: worry. It can really rot away and dig down deep and it is hard to erradicate. However, in cases like Grace's, one can defeat their own illness. I have been doing well with that. With stuffing demons away, shutting them up, extinguishing them for good.

I realize I will never be a "normal parent" now.  While my mind is in a different place than other parents, I am learning that other parents are likely worrying their child won't make it to that glorious front porch as an old person drinking tea, rocking in a chair as the sun sets on a yard full of children and grandchildern. They too want their child to have a life, a long healthy life void of heart ache and hardship. They too want their babies to carry on a legacy and have babies themselves.

Today I made a decision to unfollow a blog I've followed and spoken about. It is of two parents and their recently passed 18 month old girl, who died from recurring stage 4 neuroblastoma complications. I told myself, "If you read this you will sympathize and realize THIS IS NOT YOUR FAMILY OR SITUATION." I kept telling myself this. We didn't have the hardship they had and we count our blessings. Then their daughter passed. Then the sadness. The despair. The husband wrote about it. I read it. It helped me. I feel I grieve still for Grace's cancer.

However, now he is angry. He's channelling that anger. I feel it. It makes me itch to change the web page away. I know now that it is no longer positive for me to read or know about. I need to not be angry. Not now. Now for Grace, positive is essential. I have to put up my guard. Martyrdom and bleeding hearts hurt me more than help me.

GRACE UPDATE!! She is doing well. Better than well. Our county nurse gave us a visit and a developmental screening and Grace continued to surprise and delight her with her strength. She said we should have expected delay with such an invasive abdominal surgery recovery but she saw absolutely none.  Grace has great motor skills and social skills. Is it too early to take a little credit??  LOL I have limited my emotionality, my historionics, my hysteria and guarded her from it completely. I have lived as though I had no future, just today with Grace. Grace sure makes it easy. The smiles, the laughing, the new talents every day. Today she successfully moved her little body around 6 feet from it's original location! So active.

Her growth is on track. 40th percentile in weight and around 80th percentile in height. She has gained some chub on her thigh meaning she will sprout another few inches soon and mom will have to go through all her clothes AGAIN. I just did it! Though I do love doing it.

Kris was kept home today by the flooding. First snow and now flooding. Well, I saw it as a sign. God opened a door of opportunity for me to take care of myself and to get a solid night's sleep. Kris got up when Grace woke and I slept in our glorious bed in the other room My first night away from her. First of many in her life, but it is an ache I have to be away from her. 

Like right now... I am going to check on her... see if she's still breathing. I wonder if that ever goes away. All I know is at 11:11 tonight I will again wish that she grow up to be a wonderfully satisfied old bittie. If you see that time too, mind sending out my wish too?

 She was facing the other way on her pink playmat. Kris said it took her a while but she happily plugged along and talked and played her way across the floor towards him while he worked.

We are in trouble.

 Good morning she says!

 I look a lot like my mother here. And She looks a lot like her mother too.

We love taking her for walks. Of course the week we get back into walking we have snow, freezing rain, heavy rains, flooding, and high winds.  We live on the wild side.

1 comment:

Kate r said...

Isn't it amazing how these wonderful little people we brought into this world change us? To stare at our sleeping babies and watch their chests move up and down, that is enough. You are a wonderful mother, and Grace is an amazing little one, so strong!! And what a personality! Love you mama, keep on writing, you have a powerful voice :)