As I am now........ nearly 9 weeks pregnant, I thought I'd notice some weight gain. Ok I feared it. I don't want to be pre-eclamptic. So I've been drinking my water, trying to get out for walks and doing a fair to good job of eating very solid (if meatless) meals. I got on the scale the first week I knew of the bean, I was easily 9 lbs above the ideal weight I had in mind for pregnancy. Great! I thought. This is a pattern I want to keep. Ya right. I was pissed.
I have since shed what I suspect to have been water weight from not being hydrated enough. All the while, despite my weight, my poor little wedding ring dangles on my finger. It's a great thing, yeah, to lose weight, especially for the baby. But geez, that's just what I need, losing my ring!! So now it lives on my middle finger or my right hand. This puts me into tizzy fits. Silly huh?
Then there is that hunger. Never knew I'll kill for food. But I think I wouldn't know I had until after I ate. That hunger rage takes over and I will make irrational decisions for a gyro or a cookie. I have control, once I have the food. I don't over eat- well because if I eat too much I'll puke my brains out.... or just roll around clutching my guts praying to poop, fart, belch. ANYTHING to relieve the pressure in my guts.
I don't worry as much about morning sickness, but I do worry about there not really being a baby when I have an ultrasound. Since this is neither controllable or rational OR good for the baby and my body stressing like this, I've been praying and then leaving it at that. Though I'm not perfect and do slip, I try to correct my thinking to be positive. This baby is MINE. I've wanted this baby for so much of my life. I've know what it is to love someone more than yourself, and I've been dreaming of the perfect babies for years and years. The thought of twins would never scare me away from having them, more to love and care for. More gifts from god. More work for sure, but I'm willing and I think that's all that's required to make it through rough times. Plus I think that if you are always thinking, "oh one baby is hard, two must be worse" well then it will be worse. If I think pregnancy will be hard, then it will be. If I think labor will be painful, I'll feel pain. But if I look forward to joining women since the dawn of human kind in facing my own death and reclaiming my life and my child's with a power I haven't known, then why would I fear that gift, that opportunity. Yes there is danger, and it does freak me out.
The only thing that actually freaks me out is not being in control. But hey, what is pregnancy, what is labor, what is parenthood. I will learn to overcome this fear and fight for myself and surrender when it's right.
Now that the philosophizing is spent- since I had a small soy cinnamon latte and four fresh chocolate chip cookies (which I was considering just having without the chips- what kind of cookies would those be called? chipless choc chip cookies... i dunno) I was more energized than usual. I nearly murdered Kris for not keeping his promise to make me cookies. That sounds so shallow out loud. I was hungry. Leave me alone. I was meaning to go to zumba until I drove through campus and nearly died 4 times. So tonight is either a walk in the dark with kris, or wii, or biking at home. I have lots of shows to watch tonight, why not bike the whole time right?
Coooooooooooooooooooooooookie. I'm the cookie monster.