Sunday, February 1, 2009

My Peace of Mind

Sometimes I am afflicted. It is neither an illness or virus. It is not depression or a vitamin deficiency. No, I am my own affliction.

The mental rehearsal. The worrying, the constant planning. What to I plan, anything and most of the time I don't even know if it will happen or come true. In fact, it is common that what I plan for goes unsaid, undone, or unrealized.

I always thought my knack for planning, organizing, and making things happen. Not today. Not now. My issues with control come to the surface and they choke everything out like an oil spill.

Do I have faith that all will work out? Yes. But how? How do I get from point A to point B? These questions are what get in my head. It is like a roller coaster (always is, so why am I surprised?). I can't see over the next crest. Will the fall be unbearable, will I make it to the end just fine? Of course I will, I believe I will. Like I said, getting from here to there is unpredictable and there are ups and downs.

I just realize all of these things, they come crashing down. Then when my brain has let itself be exhausted, I get a good night's sleep. Get up, and I can think without the weight of my problems. I can think clearer. It is like a sick cycle though. They just seem to pile on, then I crash, rejuvenate, and start all over.

Here I go, again. I'll go back to planning and trying not to think. Wish me luck.

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