It is becoming dramatically apparent how little I have control over. I'm the cruise ship, but my inhabitant can party and eat and sleep and play and consume pretty much without a single word from me. I influence nothing!! Ok not nothing. I have to keep the cruise ship up to code, keep it running smoothly, provide it fuel, and make sure the captain is sane and well rested. But when I wake up to take care of my baby in the morning, what I am really doing it taking care of the shell that will be left when that baby bean is shucked right out of me. I will be a desolate crippled being if I eat poorly, don't stay active, and don't prepare this body for some major olympics.
Thinking about food, I felt guilty eating cake last week. I have had many, many, many more baked goods. Some how I get 4-7 fruits and veggies in and some protein and some complex carbohydrates. But good lord, I feel like a pig compared to the old me before the baby decided to nestle in me. Guilt, guilt, heavy leaden and ball and chain kind of guilt. It does go away. I know there is worse I can do. However, what I realized is that baby isn't eating cake. Only I am. Am I going to do justice for this body if I eat this way? Well, part of me knows how many calories I need to consume. So I'm frustrated.
Tell me- how do you eat around 2000-2200 calories/day while eating oatmeal, yogurt, berries, yadda yadda, salad, blah blah... I don't have enough room in my belly or my day some days to eat "healthy" meal options. That is, I lose weight if I don't get those calories, which worries me about the baby. Lose weight, stay the same, gain weight. WTF?! How am I supposed to navigate a healhty diet when a)meat is only an option, but sometimes an infrequent craving b) I exercise and burn loads of calories c) there is only finite amounts of time in the day and room in my belly??? It's confusing.
Among other questions here are the ones I'll ask my midwife tomorrow:
- What is with the weight gain? What do I really need and don't need?
- Can I do the harder work outs with elevated heart rates? Like zumba?
- I felt the baby two weeks ago and have been for a while, what is it like in there?
- Do you like your job? What do your days look like? What is the difference between you and the OB's role? What decisions do you make during the labor?
I am still plagued with the worries I think every pregnant woman tries to hide away and ignore. I needed to read lots of books. So I have. They've done wonders to reassure me. I know that with all the control I have, I'm not in control of BIOLOGY and whatever happens will happen. And I'm practicing "let it be" even though I feel like running or screaming or crying at the thought of just how out of control I am concerning, well, everything.
I can take care of this husk of a body. I can try and sleep and eat and exercise and stay positive. I can pray every night with a hand on my belly that this baby and I grow to be old happy people. Kris can talk to my belly and threaten to ground the baby if it doesn't come out easy and healthy. Though I think it's lot after that warrants some leniency. I can't peak inside, like an oven, to make sure it's all cooking right. Not that I can do much more that change the temp or remove them at a different time. Not much control over a lot of stuff. I am reading books that don't depress me. That don't scare me. That don't make me think that I'll have a mutant baby because I had processed cheese. These books help a lot.
My family is planning to visit. I made them. It's been a good year. I think it's time. Plus they neglect us down here in Corvallis. Just cause I'm the big sis doesn't mean I don't need help or attention or love too. I just wrote my mom and email and told her it was important, that before the baby, we get in some fam time. I think she put aside her own selfish responses and said of course. I'm glad too. I know that I'll see more of her when the baby is here.
Well, onward and upward... or outward and downard is more appropriate for a baby. Off for the second walk of the day and an early night in bed in anticipation for my appt. tomorrow. YEE!