Thursday, April 21, 2011

Motivated... to go where?

I am balancing a life of stuff in and junk out. Complete projects and create new ideas. Waiting for the right time to become a career woman and anticipating being a mother. Now is all about being in between. Liminal. Neither mother, nor student. Neither career woman, nor scholar. And what am I? Well. It's weird to say this. I never thought very highly of such a thing or such a choice. But right now... I am perfecting being Kris's wife. Weird. Hibby jibbies kind of weird, only because I honestly see nothing wrong with it and I'd been programmed my whole life to question women who define themselves by their marriage. I am me though. How can I be just me and still be his wife? It seems a modern feminist dilemma. For me, I'm not a feminist, but my whole life is informed by feminism. A justified female self righteousness, even selfishness. To put your husband above yourself is seen as a weakness of personality, of female integrity, and a serious betrayal to a feminist upbringing.

So how do I reconcile my lifestyle with this weird programming I have to take and take and not give? Kris. Simple answer is Kris. He is so selfless, so caring. There is no way that my husband would ever try to pull one over on me for his benefit. He never manipulates, he never bosses, and he is always respectful. So here I am a fembot bitch programmed to destroy males and despise their unfair advancement over women. I do secretly hate that my jobs were never as fruitful as his. His lead to a career. Mine made me miserable. Do I blame him? No. The simple answer there is that God wanted me to learn lessons and him to learn his.

So I am at home each day with a self-made dilemma. I don't hold pride in being a good wife. I suppose I can blame my mother. I think being a good wife, not a subservient wife, is actually making me happy. I am happy taking care of our family, of just the two of us. I grocery shop. I bake. I sew. I mended clothes today. I vacuum. I hang clothes up. Dust. I go to special lengths to make his favorite meals, buy his favorite snacks, hang his pants because he likes that. Why am I ashamed to share that?

He and I go for walks. We talk. Our marriage has improved this year. Why should I be ashamed to share that? I serve a valuable purpose. This isn't about what Kris does. I am inclined to share all about him, to prove our marriage is strong. But this is about me. My value as a person has been on the table this year for me, I have had to reevaluate and appreciate the mundane, the simple, the homemade, and the careful and slow lifestyle that I have. There is nothing wrong with it and now, I know that. It took a year off from work to know that though.

When Gracie is older and married and thinking about her worth, I want her to know that when she puts her heart into whatever she does, good will come of it. She doesn't have to be a brain surgeon. God doesn't compare. She needs to me the best her she can be. And I need to be the best wife I can be. The best me I can be. I officially forgive myself for not being in the middle of a paying career in academia and for not getting accolades for my genius and brilliance in some field of study. I don't need the validation for that... just like I don't need the validation for this.

When people ask me what I do, I will proudly say, "I am a home lifestyle designer, an artist, a homemade, crunchy, granola, techy, creative housewife."

Yep, I said it. I'm a Suzy homemaking housewife. And I like it.

1 comment:

Amy said...

There is actual considerable literature about women feeling odd about mothering or home making. Feminism is about choice. If your life fulfills you and you feel at liberty to work or not then you're blessed. I don't know if I would work if I didn't have to. It's hard to be a single Mom who misses huge chunks of her children's lives in order to provide for them.

Don't waste a moment questioning if it's okay to be happy. You are a blessed woman, revel in it.