Surprise!

When to tell? When not the tell? Kris and I agonized for the few short weeks we had the knowledge of our pregnancy. I had this idealized delivery of the surprise that had everyon in one place at one time and we would set up the camera for a picture and on the count of three, Kris would say, "Ok, everyone say Sophie is pregnant!"

It did not go that way.

In fact, if you'll believe this- I was just as surprised as everyone else. Kris and I sat in bed for a while thinking about it. Talking pros and cons. All his family was at the coast. I was feeling it was best to tell people in person. Also, I felt that the possibility of a miscarriage- though possible and real- would never take away from the joyful moment and would only offer opportunities for support, love, prayers, and understanding. I kept feeling a nagging opposition to this pressure I felt to feel ashamed if I miscarried. I know people choose not to share. I get why. For me, I'm not telling the world. I'm telling the nearest and dearest. What could they think? That I was a failure or there is something wrong with me? Wrong. They are family. They are friends. And despite the sadness of losing a baby, being alone is no answer. I think that grief is scary for everyone. I just refuse to be a victim of it. It's an opportunity for people to learn just as I would. It's not pretty, but it's life.

So with all this running around in my head and Kris's head, it was a difficult decision to make. I wanted him to tell his family at the right time for him, but honestly I was biting at the bit because all the family is there. So the plan was hatched. It didn't include a camera or a video camera. Compromise marital style!

He was supposed to initiate passing out the gifts of our family surprise... but as always things got loud, messy, and unexpectedly, he was sitting next to me. Now to prefact this, we played pictionary and it nearly sent me into a fainting spell. I had a hard time climbing the stairs and the game was too much for my nerves. I felt like I'd pass out. And here's Kris... and we can't communicate. I decided it was best to let it go and let him figure it out. As the gifts were picked, Kris first, then me, people decided to open them in reverse order. This left me second to last and Kris last. So during this time of fun filled merriment and jovial laughing, I forgot our forgotten plan.

Everyone seemed to get a gift that fit them. And those who didn't, traded for a better match. I, of course, got beer. I oooohhhhed and aaawweeed to show my appreciation knowing full well that I would soon be giving this to Kris. And my heart rate had slowed a little. I had asked him to wait until my heart slowed and I wouldn't fate. Well he did.

Being Kris, he took the plainest gift. A brown paper bag with staples. And he ripped open the top. Everyone was looking. In his theatrical style, he said, "And my surprise is................ Sophie's pregnant!" Beth yelped, "WHAT!" Some thought we were joking. Scott said, "What!" Jean was in shock and kept asking, "Really?" when she got her head about her. And here I was. I couldn't soak it in. I couldn't read the faces. I forgot the reactions the instant they happened. I didn't see past this mist in front of my face. No. I was not crying. But I was delirious. At the time, I couldn't tell if it was a happy delirious or a sad delirious.

You definitely can't take it back. And there was lots of joy. There was connection with his siblings as they offered love and support. And then there was Scott. He ran out on to the deck and screamed to the neighborhood that, "I'm gonna be a grandpa again!!" I suppose that telling them then and that way was worth just his response. Then he smoked a cigar and drank a few drinks.

Kris was happier. He said it was like sky diving. You are nervous until you can't be and you just need to jump and then it feels great. Well I wasn't that way. I thought I could predict how I'd feel. I knew there'd be comments... and oh those happened right away. "You're pregnant Sophie, not the boss." Great. JUST GREAT. And with these hormones you better believe that person will get a bite, rather than a bark. There is just no stopping it. I know people are joking, but they are also dumb as shit if they think they can say things like that to me, let alone pregnant me.

SO cat is out of the bag. How should I feel now? Good? Bad? I think right now indifferent. I do get questions from Jean asking how I'm feeling, to which I responded, "you aren't going to keep asking that right? Because that will get annoying really fast." I understand she's being caring... But unless I talk about it, asking if I'm feeling sick makes me feel like she wants me to be sick. Like if I'm not, she'd be disappointed, which she does sound disappointed when I tell her no. She doesn't know this. I'll be sure to tell her too.

People think they can now make excuses for your moods, even everything that you say, the normal shit too, is because "you are pregnant." How very very annoying. I get what my sister means. But people don't know what they are saying or doing and I think this is a great opportunity to school people.

So am I happy? It's mixed. Yes because the telling was fun and supportive. And no because people can say really dumb things and I can take those things to heart. And then say lots of terrible things back. And then the bite comes out.

Yay surprises.... :[ Eventually it will be my family's turn. That will be wonderful but the worry is more real when you let the secret out. I'm not through the woods yet. I'm starting my eighth week. I'm freaking that I haven't had nausea or morning sickness. That is all together another post.

So here is a great happy event in my life, and somehow I can find the negative and worry over the unknown. I worry about health issues and everything that can go wrong. I guess I'm going to just have to try harder to not forget that I'm lucky and blessed. Pregnant brain makes that a task indeed.

Signed,
Stressed and Pregnant