Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rolling down the river...

Rollin'!! I'm very aware now of the little mango sized body swimming around in me. Very aware!!! It has not yet woken me up, but it is definitely weighing more and sits right on my bladder and I have to pee immediately. Sucks when I'm out on a walk. But I take heart in knowing, well I just peed, so if I wet my pants it won't be much.

The facts of the pregnancy and it's healthy progression get to be a bother some days. I go weeks reading and then not reading and then reading material about the pregnancy. My tolerance wanes and then I'm back to not reading. So many worries and thoughts and questions. There is a mistrust in that. I hate to say it but that mistrust isn't very healthy. It keeps me skeptical, but it also keeps me doubting. Often times I'm doubting ME. I'm doubting if I can do this or if the baby will be ok. That doubt is paralyzing. It makes me forgetful. I forget that my body knows what it's doing. It knows how to have a contraction and deal with pain. It knows when it is having a bad day and if the baby is in danger. It knows how to build a baby. Well, actually my baby knows how to make ITSELF. I'm just the vessel. That's pretty awesome.

And when I worry? Well, I like to think of pictures of Rowan, my nephew, in the womb and how that little mass of bones turned into a little human. I get excited to see how rapid the changes are. It's like "hurry up and get here!!" and then "wait! stop growing up so fast!!" Rearranging the house means the baby is really coming... maybe I've stalled because of our upcoming appointment. Our ultrasound is on April 1st and then the doctor appointment is on the 13th. That's a long time to find out if there are any concerns. But then again, we are going to see the baby ourselves, and I think we'll have that feeling in our gut if it is all ok. We have that feeling now.

There are worries like, what if there is a serious condition that takes years of care or permanent life care? We can't afford that! In money or energy. Without that baby right here, right now, it's tough to say. But with all that could go wrong for the baby, I have high doubts there actually is anything off. I'm 18.5 weeks now and that baby is SWIRLING around in there. It reacts a lot after some fruits. I like to just sit there and feel for where it's hanging out. Right now? Bladder in the back. And amazingly- there was a day around 17 weeks that I feel some movement from the outside! Now just waiting for Kris to get to feel it.

This week was all about more fruits and veggies. Less sugar (which is challenging, more now than ever). Being active (which is a joke, I'm so lazy and tired some days). And getting good sleep. I was behind on sleep, but now I'm waking up by 9:30 each morning. The birds wake me up. Oh and I started a strawberry box for the porch stoop! All I need to do is put them in soil and keep them watered to get some everbearing berries! Can't wait!

As all the physical symptoms are mostly gone- I notice what they were more. I really was miserable. Probably more than I complained- and I complained more than enough. I just had time to adjust. But remembering that feeling of stomach pains that made me want to die and barely let me fall asleep in a sweaty sitting up position on the couch with a heating pad on my back and gas murdering my belly, I think, yep, that was really bad. It wasn't nausea over the toilet, it was "oh god I think I'm dying from the inside out and it's going to last for forever!" I prayed to God over and over and earnestly too for it to quit. Nothing but heat helped. Oh god it was terrible. But phew! It's completely gone. God answered my prayer. I don't have tummy pains. I get to eat most anything I want trouble free.

Something that hasn't changed is the tiredness. Midday I'm pooped. I get a second wind later which is why I stay up later I think. It's not fatigue in the same way that lack of iron is- I am not faint. So I nap. I try to walk every day or at least 4 out of 7 days per week to help with energy and circulation. SO MUCH GUILT for the days I don't walk!

And until the ultrasound, I just don't have news. Well actually, until I get a fancy cake and Kris and I cut it, we won't know what the gender is at all! Can't wait!

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