Wednesday, July 20, 2011

When regurgitating all my worries becomes a blog post... and my feelings about Ents

In one week's time, I feel like Grace grew exponentially. Well, because she did. An adult can gain .5 lbs in a week and that's nothing because they can fluctuate up to 5 lbs in a day. But a fetus can gain .5 to .75 lbs in a week and proceed to do that for 6-8 weeks. My body went from pretty roomy to cramped. Occasionally she kicks me in a place that pinches and hurts. I don't imagine it's much different than toddlers and their accidental punching you, pains from wiggling, and intentional hitting. A fetus hurts you much much less than a toddler. I get a well placed knee from Aili once in a while and an accidental hit from Rowan that hurts more.

What are the real uncomfortable times? Baby girl is very active until about midnight or one am. She can put her head down as far as it will go (further than I thought she actually was doing) and push those feet up high. It doesn't feel like feet, it feels like my guts are warring and moving in on my stomach and lungs with an aggressive front. BUT... then you move or she moves and the change in position relieves the pain.

I love the feeling of her... probably because I know always if she is alive and well. Even when she is sleeping. She practices breathing. Her lungs going in and out and my stomach moves with her breath.

The anxiety I felt earlier in my pregnancy about losing people in my life is still there, but it's much quieter. Kris, the all knowing and accepting man that he is, informed me it's not my job to worry about. It sounds so easy. Hmmmmphmmm. It's not for me. It makes me sad and makes me worry and I think of all the impossible scenarios that can happen to my loved ones. I think that is called "neurotic." I suppose I should work on that. My poor mind will be crippled if I don't.

For instance, I went to see Harry Potter with Kris on Saturday. The wait was hard because of the braxton hicks contractions that made my back tense... and I would have been just fine if things didn't escalate. My lungs were smaller that day and I was so short of breath I started breathing into my hand. Then tension ratcheted up a few more notches so my sides hurt more and my back hurt more and the contractions were squeezing what air I had out. So I drank water and tried to distract myself. This isn't a huge deal... I just made it one in my mind. And so then off to the theater after maybe 30 minutes wait, which wasn't long. And I sit and the dark and the people and the very very very loud commercials crowded me. I'm not claustrophic, but that day I sure felt like it. So que up: breathing into hands, sitting on side, sitting forward, drinking enormous amounts of my own water, because this bitch was not about to pay 5 dollars for crappy bottled stuff that was maybe 16 oz. During the course of the waiting, previews and movie I drank 40 oz of water. My sides were in stitches and I couldn't breathe... I decided to self diagnose my very own panic attack.

How did this wonderful trip go so wrong? I was dressed cute, relaxed, dolled up, and out with my honey. Well the breathing did it for me. The feeling that i couldn't get air. I was yawning and gasping... you know, not in an obvious way. The noise was so loud from the speakers, blaring the previews for Rise of the Planet of the Apes (a very serious preview I nearly cried to... from laughing so hard at how ridiculous it looked) and The Smurfs movie (really?).

What did I do? I popped in my noise cancelling head phones and proceeded to listen to some of my favorite tunes from the artist Adele and I just closed my eyes. I was overstimulated. I practiced the meditation I've been doing and the yoga I've been doing. And well, it got better.

Until the movie was on that is. You get quite tense during a story. All in all the movie was good. It was a good distraction and I told myself that if I can focus on this movie, then I'm obviously not in labor. I got up to pee TWICE. Ever seen a pregnant lady run? Go to the movie theater... you are bound to see one.

I was not ideal. Especially since it hasn't happened since. But it was good practice. Kris kept me distracted. I tried to keep calm. I was ok. I wasn't dying, and I had to learn to cope. It's scary. To not have control over your body like that. So I just told myself that this is her job. Let the body go. Just let it happen. Quit fighting it. It got better after that :D.

Kris is my rock. I know he's looking for all the signs and his worries are well hidden to keep me happy and distracted from the trials at hand.

Other things to note: My house is getting cleaner each day as I prepare for my sister, who will be here in T minus 12 hours. My walking has been good, my fruit and veggies good, but my protein not so much, which I suspect contributes to hypertension. My plan for a high protein diet is now in place! I have visited the dentist and my teeth are great. I have the majority of the hospital bag packed. I have my family visiting this coming weekend. I have so many things I want to do, and I've decided if I do at least one I'll be satisfied. Lowering my standards=less disappointment. I read two books in the last 4 days on my new kindle, which I have warmed up to! It will be perfect for one handed reading! I have brioche bread in the fridge and plans to pick berries and I think i've eaten a whole pineapple this week... maybe 2 pineapples, and at least 3 lbs of cherries. My new Ben and Jerry's fav flavor is Clusterfluff: peanut butter ice cream, with peanut butter swirl, marshmellow swirl, and caramel clusters and it's for days that are just full of clusterfucks... really, that's how they advertise it.

I feel good when I write in this blog. I feel like I can dump the worries and thoughts here. And leave them. I can always come back and check on them, but they stay here closely guarded but out of sight. Like Guantanamo (which I have mixed feelings about). I suppose in truth, despite the worries on this post, I'm really happy. Who knows if that is just chemical or environmentally programmed into me... but I like it. I am really, truly happy.

On a funny note, last night Kris and I went for a walk at 9:30. Neither of us particularly wanted to go, but I attribute my lack of swollen ankles and feet and a good night's rest to the invigorating walks Kris and I do nightly. Plus things get off my mind and we talk and dream and I can go to sleep with an empty mind. We decided to end the walk with a trip to Safeway for their sale on Ben and Jerry's, and on the way there Kris said he wants to be like an Ent. Those tree things from the Lord of the Rings that live life very, very, verrry slowly. I laughed loudly and professed that I feel the same. And for that reason i am wary of inviting my sister and her balls to the wall energetic son to stay with us, because I honestly don't know if I can take it. I want to be an Ent. And live and think slowly. Savor each moment. I'm impatient for her to get here... my baby that is. But I'm Ent like and I like it that way.

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