Am I a bad mom because I sent Kris with Grace to get her bowel prep tube? The one that goes in her nose to her belly? She'll get her IV, which doesn't hurt besides the tourniquet. Babies don't like it when you hold them down.
My blood pressure rises. I sweat. I feel like I can't soothe my baby when I get that way. I feel like a coward for not being there. It's a hard thing. Am I selfish for staying or selfish for going? Does me being there help her most? Or does me being able to soothe her when she returns help more?
For God's sake, being a parent is already hard with questioning yourself. I thought I did ok with that. I am an aunt twice over and I was a nanny for several years. Not to mention a babysitter for infants many times before. Is that poop right? Well, most of the time I can tell. Is that noise she makes weird? Is her scream a little off? What is she telling me?
I can pick up on her ques now much more. I can tell when she's tired and hungry and needs a change. The hardest is when she is grumpy. They say babies can't be mad at you... but you always worry. Could she be mad because I didn't hold her down for the nurses to do stuff on her? It isn't a long procedure, the nurses are skilled and caring, and I'm in a hospital that is renowned. Yet, I feel like I fail either way.
Pin my baby to a bed for them while she cries and "be there for her" OR wait here and miss "being there for her." Is waiting to soothe her selfish because then I'm just the good guy?
I have full breasts to comfort her with when she gets back. It felt right to stay. I feel like a coward either way. At least this way I can handle my emotions, vent on this blog post, and be prepared to be calm and happy and nourish her when she gets back.