Sunday, February 27, 2011

Two Truths and a Lie

Two truths and one lie:

1. I am depressed and didn't know it.

2. I dreamt of the gender of my baby.

3. I've read several books recently by mommies.

Well, the first is true. It's unreal to realize that my hermitage and other habits actually equal depression or seasonal depression. I am of course extremely thankful for my life. I wonder about what I would be like if I took a different path, like school and a career. I haven't sewn or quilted or stitched. I cry and I'm weepy. I'm desparate for Kris's attention. I like to be alone. I want the spring time. Yes, I've told myself, "well duh! You are pregnant!" But that's not an irreversable truth. I can alter my mood, energy, and habits with some changes to my diet and exercise. Just try to feed me greens and I may bite your hand, but I guess I'll have to get really REALLY creative. I eat apples, oranges, bananas, and kiwis. I try for the veggies but eh... I should work harder. And back to some zumba. I think I was making excuses before, for not having a pass to OSU and not having energy. However, now I'm really missing the nice music, the sweat, the adrenaline, the mindless get away of just dancing. So this week is two zumba trips or more. No matter what.

The second one, well I'll get to that. The third is a truth! I loved Great with Child and The Mommy Chronicles. They are from mommy to be and after birth mommy perspectives. I love the honesty and I appreciate that they, grown ass women who had it all together, had no clue how to handle a baby in the beginning. I am under no illusions. What I think I might be comfortable with now, I may not be later. This is a new way I think because of these books. I do think I'll cloth diaper, I'll breast feed, I'll make baby food, I'll take my baby on walks, I'll keep them clean, I'll keep myself clean and happy, Kris and I will have sex and be happy. But I know that the reason I think all those things is not because I'm naive, but because I'm a born idealist. Realism can be fine for other people, but being idealistic is good for me. As Kris said, "I always imagine the worst that could happen, and you always imagine the best things that could happen." I like that about me. Naive or no, it is positive thinking. It attracts positivity. I have learned to be more dynamic and less disappointed if plans change from the idealistic course. I am a "dynamic planner" according to Kris. I can have a solid plan and respond quickly to changes. That took years of practice and breathing. These books show me that that's ALL it's like sometimes to be a mommy. Respond in the best way you can. Act. I can do that, even with no experience (which isn't entirely true as a nanny, but it's not the same) with a little babe 24/7. I like that I keep track of my own responses to pregnancy over time. The physical aspects have wained, with occassional blips of terrible stomach issues. It's just a phase though, and soon I'll feel a baby kicking, then I'll be stretching out. Then I'll have the baby and new phases will hit again and again.

Finally, my lie. No I haven't dreamt of my baby. I know I will. Will I remember it though... I think I'll know the gender of my baby through my dream. I want to think on another plane and that's not going to happen if I disbelieve something like this, because I need to believe in mother's intuition. I need to know that with all the physical connections that there is a spiritual one, and I know to feel that I need to be open to it. I believe it will happen. I know that I wouldn't commit to abortion because at this stage, at 15 weeks, my baby has all her eggs in her ovaries or his ears are migrating to the side of his head. That little alien in me is kicking and spazzing out with a little soul inside it. I support women's rights over their bodies, so I am prochoice for very many good reasons, not the least of, they will find a way and that leads to illegal back door dangerous transactions, sketchy drugs, and endangering and degrading women with shame. But unless I were in danger or some severe need for it was apparent, a baby was made and so it shall be born.

I am a hippy, in some ways. I am pro-choice. I am also anti-abortion for casual birth and family planning practices. I wouldn't judge a woman for her choice, unless it was so entirely selfish that I couldn't control my thoughts. Most women really think about it, I believe that sincerely. They grieve, they struggle. I hope they do. I am happy that I was so blessed to be ready and prepared with support and love for a whirlwind of a baby.

Finally true or false? I felt my baby move.

I don't even know! I felt a distracting goldfish in my guts. Haven't felt it since, but my little orange sized baby is growing and waiting to kick the shit out of me. Why am I so excited to feel the baby, when that will inevitably and quickly lead to sleepless nights, back pain, side pain, complaints, and some of the joys of feeling life grow in me, or and also peeing a lot? Nonetheless, until I hear a heart beat, I am achey and waiting with bated breath that this babe is this peeing in it's amniotic fluid, kicking, and growing. Two more lonnnnnng weeks until I hear it again. Sad face. But back to zumba, so happy face.

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