Monday, February 7, 2011

I understand more

I understand now somethings about my parents that I didn't before. It makes me understand the people in my life better. Admire them and sometimes judge them. I don't know if that judgment goes away, but it must be from insecurity. I am way closer to the happier me that I wanted, and that's what I need to be for my child. But boy, it is hard to fight the inner voice that says judgmental things. I have grown up with this sense of intense justice and righteousness. That instinct is hard to shut up. It leads to me thinking in black and white, right and wrong.

I think that's when people have a hard time. They are insecure. We all get there. And it's hard not to compare, which I anticipate when I'm a mother. It is natural in some senses to take leads from your peers but it is also important to follow your heart. Sometimes the heart doesn't speak loud enough or we are too busy to listen. But there are instincts we have that have been there all along.

When I listen to my heart, it says. Breathe. You know what you need. You'll know. And it'll be scary. But if you listen you'll get through it. I hope I have the courage and patience to listen.

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