I explained to Kris about the difference of food happiness and food sadness. There is a very big difference. You know when they say your baby will come out weird if the mother doesn't have her cravings, like the perfect mac and cheese. Food happiness is when cool ranch Doritos fill the hole in my soul. Or when I order a pina coloda and it changes my world and that's all I can think about.
Food sadness is indeed when I order a chicken sandwich and it doesn't hit the spot. Or when I don't want any food at all.
Life is like that too. I know what really makes me feel good. Walking with Kris and watching the ducks in the wetland by our house make me laughand smile and warm inside. Getting my mind clear and restarted with little things like a walk, clearing out a room, or having the sun shine on it makes the world of difference for me. I heard birds today. I looked at Kris and asked, "Did you hear that? That's Spring!" It made me happy because that means time is moving forward. That means even the girl or boy in me is growing and my pregnancy is moving forward.
It still makes me nervous that I cannot feel that baby like I did once. I wait nervously for my next appointment in a week and a half to hear that baby heart beat again. I have a faith that I didn't think I'd have that this is a healthy baby. I pray on my belly every night that this baby grows to be a happy old person. I go to sleep wondering if the baby sleeps too.
There are just another 4 weeks between now and knowing if this baby is a boy or a girl. I went back to zumba classes knowing I need to stay active for this pregnancy. It also distracts me and lets pass the time quickly. I have tried, well subconsciously, to feel my feelings to see if I feel it is a girl or a boy. Is it Grace or is it Corbin? Will I hold my baby? Will they make it through their perilous little time gestating away in my lower abdomen? Does my body betray me enough to feed that little body and nurish it's placenta and send it my oxygen? The scary things left after that "danger zone" is over is even scarier. I try not to let those fears haunt me, but they are there. And all I keep vizualizing is a baby in my arms to keep me strong.
Corbin and Grace, right now you are one little idea melded into one, and one of you will die from my existence with the knowledge of the truth in just a few weeks. I'll mourn that loss. But I know you are not long behind one another. And once I have you in my arms I'll fall in love with you and only you. But know that I want you both forever...